Tired

Have you ever been tired?
Not because you didn’t sleep enough or because of the physical exhaustion you feel after a hard workout, or because you’re moody over the constant grey weather and haven’t seen the sun in a few days, but because of something else, something much deeper than that. The kind of tired that have you struggling with getting up from bed every single morning. The kind of tired that makes you want to stay in a dark room, all day without seeing or talking to anyone. The kind of tired that leaves you so exhausted you cannot so much as read a book. The kind of tired that makes you not even wanna to see your friends. The kind of tired that just kills all joy because it consumes everything. The kind of tired that leaves you with no reserves, no other energy than that needed to physically survive. The kind of tired that simply makes you want to hide from the world.

This kind of tired

I’m talking about feeling truly tired. Something that goes far beyond the ordinary. Something that cannot be fixed over a weekend by sleeping in and staying in bed a couple of extra hours.
Have you ever felt like that? I have. More than once and for both longer and shorter periods of time. And I am tired now. Not to the extent mentioned above but still far more than normal. I sleep around 10 hours every night and I still struggle to get up in the morning, I still have to force myself to get dressed and ready for a new day and sometimes, by the time I’m done, it’s already afternoon and I just want to go back to bed again. Most things feel like an effort right now. Anything that requires me to leave home is battle with myself. I don’t know why, not sure what happened that caused it, but I’ve been feeling like this almost since I got back to Japan. I think it might have started already in Sweden, but I might not have noticed. It slowly grew on me until exhaustion hit me with full force. I have no idea where it came from or why. Is something wrong physically with me that causes me to be this tired? Is mental? Am I stressed, burned out or actually about to be sick? I really don’t know.

I think I got mentally tired for the first time in my early teens due to a heavy loss in the family and then again in my upper teens because of teenage struggles andd relationship problems. Shortly after I turned 20 it came back once again, slowly sneaking up on me. I started to feel like something was physically wrong with me and I went to the doctor again and again and again and the answer was always the same: “You are a perfectly healthy young lady; nothing is wrong with you.” I knew something was wrong. And it was. It took them almost 2 years and a half to discover that I had an extremely hyperactive thyroid. That was the cause of my great weight loss (despite always eating), my bad skin condition, my constant low fever, my resting pulse of 200 beats per minute, the exhaustion, everything.. Battling the hormonal levels in your body is hell. I struggled so hard for very long. Today I don’t have a thyroid anymore. I have to eat medicine for the rest of my life to control the levels of TSH, T4 and other hormones that I no longer can produce by myself. I think this is a story I will go into in more details later on, in another blogpost because I think this a more common condition than we think and I think many people can relate to what it’s like and even recognise themselves.

Well, again, my current “condition” is not the worst I’ve been thorough. But it’s very hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced the same kind of tiredness, they rarely understand, even if they try. I didn’t understand before I got there myself. It’s not something that will be fixed by resting a little extra or something that you can ignore for a few hours to go hang out with your friends. If you do ignore it you have to pay for it later by being even more tired. It’s very hard to balance. Just writing this blogpost has taken me three days. I end up napping every time I try to write, and I feel like I can’t express myself the way I want to. I had a whole plan about what I was gonna write in this post but its just not there anymore.

Me when trying to write this post

Not that I’m doing much more than the very necessary these days but I still kinda wish I was on an empty beach somewhere, with a good novel, my notebooks and pastel colors. Looking at the ocean and listening to the sounds it makes always made me very calm and when there literally is nothing else to do I rest pretty well and when I rest well I also find a lot of inspiration. Right now I don’t have much.
I guess my dreams about the beach also might have something to do with the constant rain and grey weather here in Tokyo right now. Hopefully the rainy season will be over soon!

Tomorrow is a new week and hopefully if I keep taking it slow and rest a lot I will gain some energy.

Wishing you all a good night, or day, depending on where you are in the world.

Oyasumi

/Hanna

5 Jul 2019